Trusting You
by wisher93
Summary: OA cant figure out why he doesn't trust Maggie. Maybe she's not the problem. Quick oneshot. Takes place after "This Land is your Land." Story is complete, but wont let me mark it so...


This story takes place after "This Land is your Land." If you havent seen it yet or recently, you may want to watch it first because I mention certain scenes without too much detail. It's just a quick one shot with my own personal, yet subtle, twist. All OA's perspective.

I own nothing... not the characters or the show. Bummer.

Trusting You

I'm not really sure why it is so hard for me to trust Maggie. I think I can trust her, know somewhere deep inside that I can. I haven't known her for long, but already see her level headed nature and gentle heart. I see her reaching out, trying to get me to open up. It must be the years of needing to be perfect, strong, unfeeling. Years of emotions being forced inside, years of not being able to trust anyone, filled with doubt that keeps me from being real with her. Still, my brain tells me I can trust her, and there have been many times I have been there when she needed me without her having to ask because I need her to trust me, too. Desperately. I think of earlier when she took off for that house after hearing those children scream. I didn't even consider the situation, the danger I was putting myself in by going in so quickly; I just ran- my heart telling me it was my fault she was rushing blindly into that house. My mind was blank other than my heart beating 'hurry, hurry, hurry,' as I jumped over fallen trees and bushes racing up the hill. If I hadn't told Jubal to have her negotiate... But it ended fine, she was fine. I saw her walking down those steps with the two children in her arms and was able to breathe for the first time since hearing her first rush toward the house.

Another memory came back to me, back to what I told her after I convinced Jubal to let her negotiate.

"What was that?" She had asked.

When I told her she had this ability of cutting through emotion to get people to do what she wants, she had looked at me with a hint of surprise as if she couldn't believe I had noticed, or maybe just couldn't believe I would acknowledge, but how could I not? She had displayed her abilities in each case we had worked together this far, and with me a number of times when I found myself getting heated or rash.

She had replied boldly asking if I was implying she was manipulative, and while I wouldn't ever admit it, that was actually a huge part of me being so cautious around her. I knew she wouldn't sit by and let me go unchecked. She hadn't during the case with the vet, Jason Morgan. I tried so hard to connect, and it just ended up affecting my judgment and almost getting Maggie and me killed. I remember, after dismantling the bomb, how I covered her body with mine, as I shielded her from the possibility I hadn't done it right. I had made a mistake, a dangerous one, but I share as Hell wasn't going to let her get hurt because of it if I could help it.

And at first, after sharing my story about my time in Al Asad, how I was in that house afraid for my life, I was unable to open up, to share that the experience was real. Instead I lied. I don't know what continues to give Maggie the ability to trust me, but somehow she does. With her life. Maybe it's because later that same day I waited for her, not even knowing I was headed to her place until I was there, to talk, to share, to open up. Maybe she knows I'll eventually come around. Will I always? I want to be able to, but again I wonder if I can trust her.

Even after we had stopped Davis Kernick's attempted attack with hydrogen cyanide and we joked back in forth in the office as she sat at her desk, she voiced her worry of being lied to, knows I've lied to her before and letting me know she hasn't forgotten.

"I'm starting to worry," she had said

"Why's that."

"That lie you told about the father being in the building, I almost believed it." She was trying to play it off, but I could tell she was, actually, a little concerned.

"Aww, I'd never lie to you," I teased with a smile, attempting to dissipate her doubt.

"Uh huh," she scoffed.

At that point, I couldn't help it. I finally confessed how I had been feeling.

"You look really nice today." I smiled as I said it knowing she would accept it as a teasing lie.

"Oh, keep it up." She smiled, too, though not quite giving up her doubts.

"I really like that sweater that you're wearing."

"Get lost," she said, though her eyes started to sparkle.

"That leather jacket's awesome. Maybe I get one. We show up, same jackets."

"Yeah?" She replied with a dramatic eye roll.

"I'm gonna get one," I pushed.

"I'll quit," she threatens, though it's empty and she's truly smiling now.

"I'm getting one."

With that, I walk away. A part of me wants to turn around, tell her that even though I was using a teasing tone, and had tilted my head in a way that says I'm joking, I couldn't be more serious. Maybe about the jacket thing, but not about how she looked. She believed I was lying, but she really was stunning, the way she smiles, her eyes shining. She's incredible: a fantastic agent, a kind, inspiring human. I want to turn around and tell her I was lying, not really teasing, that it was the truth. But I can't. I won't. As much as I want to, that is one thing I can never tell her, not unless it's under the pretense of a lie. That would mean admitting she right: that I have in fact lied to her, and might lie again. Not because I want to, but because I have to for one reason or another.

And as I walk away I realize that it's not that I can't trust her. No, it's that I can't trust myself. I'm afraid to let her in. I'm afraid of letting her see. Not because I think she would doubt me or not like what she sees. On the contrary. She would make me a better person just by being her. In fact, she already has. And, she would forgive me. More importantly, she would give me permission to forgive myself for all the things I've done wrong, the people I've killed. But letting her in like that would mean opening myself up completely, acknowledging what I have done, the person I used to be. It means being real with myself. And while I swear to myself in this very moment to never lie to her again, I don't make the same promise about lying to myself. While she would forgive me, I can't forgive myself. I can't. I won't.

Maybe someday that will change. Maybe time with Maggie will help in ways I can't even begin to understand. But for now, I'll settle for the privilege of watching her back wholly and completely, keeping her safe, knowing without a doubt she's watching mine, too.

AN: I hope you enjoyed. It was fun to write about these two awesome characters so early into the show. I hope I did them justice while putting my own spin on it with his feelings and not dragging it on too long. We never really get to know what he is thinking. Thanks for taking the time to read!


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